


Why Don't YOU Do It Then?

by Lady_Blade_WarAngel



Series: Adventures of The Crazy [11]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Dysfunctional Family, Evil Baby, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Genius Baby, Grandfathers, Grandparents & Grandchildren, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Sibling Rivalry, Siblings, Sleep Deprivation, Sleepy Cuddles, So many other things I can't even think of but might be offensive for some stupid reason, Suggestions of using alcohol as a sedative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 14:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3253616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Blade_WarAngel/pseuds/Lady_Blade_WarAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baby Arthur will not behave. Unless Grandfather Tywin is present......</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Don't YOU Do It Then?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, another part of my Adventures of the Crazy Series. If anyone would like to see something in this series, I will be happy to try and oblige. I appreciate all the kudos and kind comments I have been given for this series and I love all of you. (nods)
> 
> Also, please remember this is crack, it's not supposed to be treated seriously at any point. Some of the views expressed here are not my own personal opinions. Thank you.

Why Don’t YOU Do It Then?

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Brienne was in a stare off.

With a baby.

 _“This is ridiculous.”_ She thought to herself as she attempted to feed Arthur his lunch. She’d been sat there in a stalemate for over an hour. Would Arthur eat his food? Would he hell. Brienne was tempted to give up. But she knew that he needed to eat. It was nearly time for the other children to come home from school. In one hour, they would be clamouring for her attention, snacks, and possibly trying to gain her favour after a bad report. _“Why does Arianne have to be so lazy when it comes to Maths? She’s not incapable, she just doesn’t bother.”_ Brienne thought to herself. That was when the doorbell rang. Brienne sighed as Arthur stared at her with all the markers of victory that a nine month old baby could possibly show. Brienne went to the door and was surprised to see Tywin there.

“Tywin, how are you?” Brienne asked. She allowed him in, and Tywin walked in, taking off his thick coat, scarf and gloves. Brienne was always surprised to see that scarf. It was a bright red monstrosity that Arianne had attempted to knit a couple of years ago. It’s attempt as monumental as it’s misshapen failure, but Tywin seemed to like it well enough.

“I’m quite well Brienne. I just finished at a business meeting and I thought I would stop by and see you. And Arthur, of course.” Tywin said. He was always matter of fact when he spoke about things. His grandchildren and Christmas were the only exceptions. Brienne led Tywin to the kitchen, where she had Arthur sat in his highchair, strapped in, and looking thoroughly bored with life in general. When he saw Tywin, however, his chubby little face lit up and he smiled and gurgled. No one could get over the fact that Tywin was Arthur’s favourite person. It was a strange thing to consider. Tywin looked at the bowl of baby food, that looked about as appetising as a dead rat (at least in Brienne’s opinion) and then he looked at Brienne. “What is that goop you’re feeding him?” Tywin asked. Brienne wanted to throw the food in Tywin’s face. She’d been up since four o clock this morning and Arthur had refused to nap, so Brienne had spent every waking moment with him, then she’d had to get the kids off to school, and Jaime had run off to work, and Brienne was _still at home_ , left holding the baby. It was deeply frustrating. Not that Jaime didn’t do his fair share, or try as hard as she did. Arthur was just a difficult baby. He wasn’t particularly loud, or noisy. But he hardly slept, refused to eat, and seemed to take joy in making Brienne’s life a misery. Well, if a baby _could_ take joy in such a thing, that is.

“A very healthy meal for a baby, thank you very much Tywin.” Brienne shot out sharply. Tywin raised a brow.

“I assume he’s not eating it.” Tywin replied. Brienne wanted to wrap her hands around her father in law’s neck and choke him, but restrained herself. Jaime’s old saying, that there is no Netflix in prison, repeating in her head.

“No. He’s not eating it.” Brienne said.

“It can’t be that difficult to feed him?” Tywin questioned. Brienne scowled then.

“You know what? Since you’re such an expert in child rearing and child feeding? Why don’t YOU do it then? You might get him to eat it when I, _his mother_ , can’t. While you’re trying, I’m going to take a nap! A much earned nap, seeing as I’ve been up with him since four o clock this morning!” Brienne stated, thrusting the bowl into Tywin’s hands and stalking off out of the kitchen for a well needed nap. She’d earned it after all.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Jaime walked into his home. He knew Brienne was probably tired. Arthur had been up since four in the morning, and she hadn’t woken him, not wanting to make him tired for work. His afternoon meeting had been cancelled, and so Jaime had decided to come home at lunch, and simply stay home. After all, any paperwork could be caught up on tomorrow, and he wasn’t supposed to be at the office that afternoon, so Jaime thought it might be good to let Brienne go and take a nap. He was confused when he heard a male voice. It was oddly familiar, but muffled, and coming from the kitchen. Jaime blinked and went into the kitchen, to stare in horrified shock at his father, feeding little Arthur.

“Here comes the automobile Arthur.” Tywin said to his grandson, making car noises as he weaved the spoon with food on it towards Arthur’s mouth. Arthur giggled and left his mouth open. He took the food, ate it, and opened his mouth for more. Jaime blinked in horrified shock as Tywin fed the last of the food in the bowl to Arthur, and then looked at him. “Jaime? Why are you back early?” Tywin asked.

“I would normally expect that question from my wife, not my father.” Jaime shot back. Tywin allowed a brow to raised and Jaime rolled his eyes. “My afternoon meeting was cancelled, so I came home to give Brienne a break. She’s been up since four this morning.” Jaime said. Tywin nodded.

“Yes, fatigue isn’t good for a mother, especially since the baby can sense the stress it’s mother is going through. Isn’t that right Arthur?” Tywin finished, making an almost cooing sound at his small grandson. Jaime blinked.

“How the fuck-” Jaime was cut off by a glare from Tywin.

“Do not swear in front of your infant child Jaime. I thought I taught you better than that.” Tywin said.

“You didn’t teach me anything. The nannies did. One was a Wildling and swore like a Braavosi dock seller.” Jaime replied. Tywin glared slightly. “What I was going to say, is how do you know all this stuff? You didn’t even bother doing the hard work with us kids.” Jaime stated. Tywin shrugged.

“I read all the books with your mother. Of course I retained the information. It helps sometimes.” Tywin said. Jaime was thoroughly confused.

“I’m going to go and check on Brienne.” Jaime said.

“She said she was going to take a nap.” Tywin remarked drily, before picking Arthur up from his high chair and patting his back gently. Arthur let out a few obliging burps, and Jaime wasn’t sure whether to be glad, or frightened.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Brienne felt arms go around her. She was only half awake. She smelt the familiar scent of Jaime’s cologne.

“Jaime?” Brienne asked sleepily.

“Yeah, it’s me.” He said softly. “Go back to sleep.” He added. Brienne turned over in his embrace and looked up into his green eyes.

“What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?” Brienne asked, still feeling muzzy from sleep. Jaime leaned down and kissed her gently.

“Not long enough. My father just finished feeding Arthur. It’s okay Brienne. I’m here if he needs anything. Go back to sleep. You need it.” Jaime said softly. Brienne nodded sleepily. She curled up into Jaime, almost like Arianne curled into her parents when sleepy, and soon Brienne was fast asleep.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

“Why won’t he stop crying?” Arianne pleaded.

“I think my eardrums are bleeding.” Galladon stated. Jo and Ally looked like they were about to cry themselves. No one had had any sleep for almost a week now. Jaime looked at his four older children, then down into his cup of rapidly cooling coffee. Brienne had allowed the caffeine ban only to be breached by coffee.

 _“What I wouldn’t give for a Red Bull right now.”_ Jaime thought to himself, as Arthur carried on wailing in Brienne’s arms. She paced the whole house, rubbing Arthur’s back, trying to get him to sleep. If she passed him to Jaime, he would scream twice as loudly, and if she passed him to Galladon or Arianne, he would simply work himself into screaming fits and hiccups. The twins were avoiding their baby brother, frightened that he was like some sort of explosive, ready to detonate and any moment.

“He’s teething. Once the tooth comes through, hopefully he’ll settle.” Brienne told her children firmly.

“How long is that going to take?” Galladon almost sobbed. The boy’s head was aching, from lack of sleep and the constant noise. Brienne sighed.

“I don’t know. It could be a week, it could be a month. We won’t know until it comes through properly.” Brienne replied. Arianne allowed her head to collapse into her arms on the table, as she started hitting her head on the thing, wishing she could dash her brain across the wood, so that she wouldn’t have to listen to her brother’s wailing.

“I’m going to live with Uncle Tyrion. The worst thing I have to put up with there are his weird girlfriends.” Galladon said.

“Oh no you’re not young man.” Jaime said. “If your mother and I have to put up with Arthur wailing like a banshee, then so do you.” Jaime stated. “We’re a family and families stick together through happiness and wailing babies.” Jaime added.

“I didn’t ask you to give birth to anyone!” Arianne stated.

“Neither did I! Including myself!” Galladon joined his sister in protest. Ally and Jo both looked confused, but decided it might be better to leave the kitchen, before it turned into a warzone. Jaime sighed as he watched the two, six year olds, lumber off up the stairs. Probably to watch Frozen for the umpteenth time.

 _“Smart fucking kids."_ Jaime thought to himself. _“All Brienne. She knows when to get out of the situation before it gets bad.”_ Jaime thought. Then he looked at Brienne, who was still trying to get Arthur to stop wailing. _“Well...... maybe not...”_ Jaime’s thoughts trailed off. He wasn’t sure how much more any of them could take. He was almost willing to try one of his childhood nanny’s methods of putting them to sleep. Dipping Arthur’s pacifier in brandy or whiskey. It had knocked Tyrion out for the count, and right now, Jaime was desperate. Of course, he knew Brienne would never allow him to do that.

“Can’t we just drug him with baby Nyquil?” Arianne pleaded.

“Of course not! Arianne Marie Lannister! You know better than that!” Brienne admonished.

“Well, Uncle Tyrion said that his nanny used to put brandy or whiskey on his pacifier and it made him sleep. Maybe we could try that.” Galladon said. Jaime wanted to press his face into his hands. Galladon sometimes did exactly what Jaime would do in a situation. He’d say something ridiculously stupid.

“Galladon Francis Lannister! You had better not be suggesting that I feed your nine month old brother alcohol!” Brienne exclaimed. Galladon quickly shut up. Both Arianne and Galladon knew that when the middle names came out, it was serious. Jaime wasn’t sure if he was worried, or glad she’d never used his own middle names whilst yelling. The doorbell rang and Arianne ran to answer it.

“Oh My GOD! Gramps! You’re our saviour! Come and shut Arthur up! Please!” Arianne exclaimed loudly. Though Jaime barely heard it over the loudness of Arthur’s wailing. Tywin appeared in the doorway then and looked confused, as Galladon seemed to have taken up hitting his head against the table repeatedly, where Arianne had left off.

“What is Arianne babbling about? She seems to think I’m some sort of saviour.” Tywin stated. Brienne just thrust Arthur into Tywin’s arms and sat in a chair beside Jaime. Arthur immediately stopped crying. Arianne appeared behind Tywin.

“Oh my God! Have I gone deaf? Has it finally happened? My ears couldn’t take it anymore and I’m finally unable to hear?” Arianne asked. Galladon looked up at Tywin.

“Grandfather, if you adopt Arthur and take him home with you, I will sell you complete contractual rights over my life forever.” Galladon said.

“As tempting as that is Galladon, you’re twelve, nearly thirteen. You’re still a minor. Any contract you signed wouldn’t be legally binding until you reach adulthood.” Tywin replied. Brienne just looked glad that Arthur had finally stopped wailing. Everyone was thankful that it was Saturday.

“I... am going to bed. I will stay there for eight hours and God help the person who wakes me for any reason, other than death.” Brienne stated. Then she left the room, looking like a zombie. Galladon looked at his grandfather, then Arianne.

“I call sleeping.” Galladon said. Arianne shrugged.

“I’m cool. I wore headphones in my ears last night. I slept pretty good.” Arianne said. Galladon glared.

“You could have told me! You evil cow! I didn’t get any sleep last night!” Galladon exclaimed. Arianne shrugged.

“I thought you’d already figured it out. You’re supposed to be smart. Besides, I fell asleep before I could really think about it.” Arianne replied. Galladon scowled and Jaime was reminded of Brienne when he stood up and lumbered off, looking like he might commit murder.

“I’m going to go and get my books and sit with Gramps and study for a while.” Arianne said. Then she was gone. Jaime looked at Tywin.

“What the hell did you do to the kid? He’s been screaming almost non-stop for a week! We’ve had no sleep! He literally wouldn’t shut up! I want to know what drugs you’ve managed to feed him.” Jaime stated. Tywin shrugged.

“I don’t believe in drugs. I fired the nanny that used to give Tyrion alcohol.” Tywin said.

“I was tempted to do the same thing.” Jaime growled out. “I’m going to bed.” Jaime stated. He walked past his father towards the staircase. Then he turned at looked at Tywin again. “Sometimes, I really hate you, father.” Jaime stated. Then he walked up the stairs, leaving Tywin holding Arthur. Tywin looked at the quiet baby, who was now sucking his thumb and staring at his grandfather with huge green eyes. The intense look that the baby gave his grandfather made Tywin smile, just a little.

“Yes Arthur, you are going to be smarter than all the others. Once you have teeth, you will begin talking. If you’re a genius like your Uncle Tyrion, which you will never tell him I said, I will send you to the best private school money can buy. You are such a good baby. Aren’t you.” Tywin cooed at his little grandson. Arthur merely gurgled back.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Arianne wasn’t sure whether to be scared or to get a camera to video her grandfather to use for blackmail purposes at some point. She decided against videoing her grandfather and went for fear. After all, she’d always be too scared to use blackmail material against her grandfather, and that was not something she would admit out loud. So she crept along to Galladon’s room. She opened the door to see Galladon curling up under his quilt, trying to get comfortable.

“Gal?” Arianne whispered.

“Go. Away.” Galladon replied evenly.

“But Gramps is fucking scaring me.” Arianne whined.

“He scares everyone. Get over it and let me sleep.” Galladon muttered irritably.

“He’s cooing at Arthur.” Arianne said. Galladon sighed and sat up in his bed.

“Arianne. You’re my older sister. I love you. But if you don’t let me sleep, now that the devil child is finally quiet, I will kill you. I’ll kill you and I’ll make sure no one finds the body. But I’ll visit on holidays and your birthday and bring you blue roses.” Galladon stated.

“Hey you can’t kill m... wait, did you say blue roses? How did you know what my favourite flower is anyways?” Arianne asked.

“You’re my sister. I’ve listened to you whinge my whole life. If I didn’t know what your favourite flower is, after you whined at Mum that Rhaego bought you pink roses for a week on Valentine’s day, then I’ll never know anything about you.” Galladon stated. “Now go away and let me sleep.” Galladon added. Arianne smiled then at her younger brother. She walked over to the side of his bed and pulled the quilt, tucking Galladon in, like she hadn’t done since they were both little. Galladon blinked his eyes open.

“What are you-?” Galladon was cut off when Arianne pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you too little brother. Sweet dreams.” Arianne said. Then she left the room and went downstairs. She could deal with a little bit of creepiness to let her little brother sleep for a little while. After all, how many brothers knew their sisters’ favourite flowers? She was lucky to have such a good brother really.

 _“Maybe Arthur is my punishment. I’m such a bitch to Gal, God sent me the devil spawn to show me what an evil brother is like.”_ Arianne thought as she made her way down the stairs and into the living room, where her grandfather had sat Arthur down on the sofa beside him. Arthur was sitting up and watching Baby TV, and Arianne sighed inwardly. _“My kids are never watching Draco the fucking dragon. His name is an oxymoron for fuck’s sake! Draco means dragon! His name is literally Dragon the fucking dragon! I give up! Whatever idiot invented this shit did it to mess with me.”_ Arianne thought to herself. She sat on the sofa to the left of the television and started to read a book for her English class, as Arthur gurgled at the TV and Tywin merely patted him on the head and smiled at him benevolently. She couldn’t help thinking that as long as Arthur was quiet, she might consider selling her own rights of freedom to her grandfather. But she wasn’t stupid enough to say it aloud as she carried on working, and left her family to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, just for reference, my grandfather used to suggest dipping my dummy in brandy or whiskey so I'd sleep to my mother. She however did not take him up on this offer, because you shouldn't give alcohol to children. LOL! But apparently this was an old method of dealing with babies that won't sleep. I hope whoever read this far, enjoyed this and I am always happy to hear constructive criticism. Thanks in advance to those who send me kudos and comments. (nods) Until next time (when an idea pops randomly into my head for this)


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